Archie Powell (from Archie Powell & the Exports) is one of the greatest songwriters in all of the Chicagoland area, but did you know that he’s also a skilled barkeep in his spare time? Yes, it seems like our hero is great at anything he puts his mind to. That’s why we’ve asked him to share three of his favorite holiday drink recipes with us.
Unfortunately for him (and fortunately for you, dear readers), he hasn’t been able to come up with a name for the third drink, a simple delicacy made with Malört and Altoids. We’ve been wondering if the breath mints neutralize your breath when consumed with Malört. You should be wondering what to call this unholy creation. Yes, much like the sack from the other day, we’re asking you to Name This Unholy Creation.
Once you think of a name for said unholy creation — and if you’re still upright — leave a comment on the corresponding Facebook and/or Instagram post, reply to the tweet on Twitter, take a shower, pour a tall glass of water, then go to bed.
A winner from each of the big three social networks will be announced tonight at 7:00pm CST, and they’ll receive a $50 gift card from Cobra Lounge, a pair of 3-day VIP tickets to Riot Fest 2018 (did you hear that Holiday Presale Tickets are back? They are!), and all the free shots of this shit that you can shovel down your throat, served to you by Chewbacca from the Star Wars series of films. No, we haven’t been getting high on our own supply; be sure to read all the way to the end of this article, and it should all start making sense.
Now, without further delay; ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your friend and ours, Archibald Q. Powell VII.
NOGGIN MELTER EGG NOG
Egg nog is something that I find loads of people are resistant towards. Considered an unthinkable omission on Christmas and New Year’s Day in colonial America, nowadays many of us seem to think of it simply as that melted ice cream garbage you get at the grocery (which, for the record, I am not wholly opposed to in a pinch). I suppose folks get wigged out by raw eggs as well, but I’ve always been willing to put my body at great personal risk in pursuit of anything this delicious. Invite a little danger into your life, people.
There are many schools of thought on how to introduce the adult element to this drink, and most are favorable to any discerning lush. This particular blend is deceptively intense with a deeply nuanced personality that hardly smacks of all the hard alcohol in its employ. There’s a rule at my family Christmas that expressly forbids any consumption of spirits before 9:00pm, and I suspect that this recipe was the final straw in expediting said legislation.
This is pretty gnarly stuff.
b12 large eggs
3 cups heavy cream
4 cups whole milk
2 cups superfine sugar
3 teaspoons freshly grated nutmeg
1 cup dark overproof rum (No Bacardi, please; splurge on something snobby and extremely flammable, like Hamilton 151.)
½ cup bonded bourbon (I like Old Grand-Dad because it’s very affordable and tastes just fine.)
1½ cups cream sherry (Oloroso style. Valdespino makes a lovely product called Isabela that you’ll probably end up enjoying on its own as soon as you run out of all the stuff you normally drink because one of the old timers in your family brought up Hillary’s e-mails again and good lord, please numb this pain.)
Beat eggs with hand mixer until smooth. Slowly add nutmeg and sugar until fully dissolved.
Add milk, cream, and the alcohol. Refrigerate overnight in a growler, unused vase, or other appropriately-sized glass receptacle.
Serve in small cups with fresh grated nutmeg on top. I wouldn’t recommend more than 2 to 3 fingers per serving unless you’re trying to erase some family memories with intent. “Am I supposed to be feeling this weird?” asked my cousin Connor toward the end of his first glass. Pretty much, guy, pretty much.
GUT WARMER GLÖGG
This is a traditional Scandinavian beverage whose English translation is “to glow,” which is funny considering it pretty much makes me feel how I do while watching Alison Brie wrestle on television. A fantastic warm drink, Gut Warmer Glögg can be part of a low-impact buffet-style set up with a ladle in a pot on low heat. It’s perfect for lulling your guests into a peaceful state of shutting their mouths for once. Most European nations have a version of mulled wine, but Glögg is certainly the most fun to say, so that’s the word I use despite not adhering to traditional Scandinavian ingredients to the letter. Plus, I’ve heard some people pronounce it “glurg,” which really tickles me.
Whipping up a big pot of mulled wine like an occult conjuror will make you a damned hero in the eyes of your guests. Communal punch is a great addition to any soiree, with the seething cauldron lending itself as the true hub of celebration. Kind of like the water cooler, if your office was a place you enjoyed going to, as opposed to being a room where you trade Netflix recommendations while waiting to die for 40 hours a week.
3 cardamom pods
2 750 mL bottles dry red wine (Don’t just buy any old crap from a box; it’s the holidays, and your hangover doesn’t need you making things any easier for it to take you down. Treat yourself to something respectable in the $15 range. You’ve seen Sideways, so you know what pinot noir is, I recommend rolling with that.)
1 cinnamon stick
6 whole cloves
¾ cup demerara sugar (If you’re not a big enough nerd to track down demerara, no worries; Sugar in the Raw from any grocery will do the trick.)
cup brandy (I like Laird’s Apple Brandy. It’s cheap, it’s vibey, and it’s 100 proof. The listed measurement for this is on the conservative side, I honestly just dump however much feels right to me at the moment without measuring.)
½ cup blanched almonds
½ cup raisins
Smash cardamom pods with the flat side of a knife. In a large pot over medium heat, mix wine, cinnamon, cloves and cardamom. Simmer for 5 minutes, then turn off heat to let mixture steep for 2 hours.
Strain if desired, then return pot to a low simmer. Add sugar slowly, stirring as you go.
Finally, add the brandy and keep warm while serving. Almonds and raisins can be added to a guest’s mug if so desired.
Depending on how heavy-handed you were with your brandy, this is another one of those classic holiday drinks that can really sneak up on you if you’re not careful. Try not to throw up in bed, I’m told it’s a very awkward thing to have to try and explain (and a rather large dry cleaning expense, as Glögg vomit is a guaranteed massive stain).
NAME THIS UNHOLY CREATION!
I was recently at a friendly gathering with Sam Mechling, brand ambassador for favored local poison Jeppson’s Malört. As a gift of good tiding for this shindig, he had with him something so charmingly repulsive, so playfully wretched, so unbelievably just-plain-dumb that I was beside myself with amusement and glee. Given the nature of the product that he shills, it would seem nearly impossible that one could dig a deeper hole than he already inhabits, but I suppose folks will impress you like that if you’ll let them. This stuff tastes like a tincture of urinal puck and automobile air freshener. You should absolutely have it at your next holiday get together.
1 750 mL bottle Jeppson’s Malört
½ cup sugar
1 tin 1.76 oz Peppermint Altoids
Put all this shit together in a pot and whisk until everything is dissolved.
Serve it to your idiot friends.
Let the chips fall where they may.
Riot Fest editorial staff here again! Before you leave us to go name this terrifying Malört-based gruel, check out this email that we got from Archie the other day.
Hey friends! Malört has asked if we can do a tiny plug for an event where they will be serving the aforementioned unholy creation. Is there a way that your editing powers can insert some info? No big deal of not, but I told them I would ask.
Name of the event is Malört’s Hairy Christmas with Chewbacca. They’re literally having a film quality Chewbacca costume to be worn by whoever is pouring this weird shit. The unholy creation will be served as free samples, and Chewie will be handing out chachkies as well. Regular Malört will be $3.
Saturday December 16th at 7:30pm. Paddy Longs, 1028 W. Diversey Chicago, IL 60614
Thanks for your consideration, always a pleasure working with you.
You can learn something new from Archie Powell every day, kids…