Riot Fest Horoscopes – Week of August 7, 2018
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we’ll go and watch TV.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Remember, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Everything looks bad if you remember it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Trying is the first step to failure.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals.
Except the weasel.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Stupid risks make life worth living.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Enjoy this golden time you will soon cling desperately to the memory of.