Riot Fest Horoscopes – Week of August 1, 2018

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
After competing in a beauty pageant in Minnesota, you will win by default after all the other contestants get food sickness.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A rich family evicts you from your house, but a surprise adventure and the power of true friendship may lead to your house being saved. Also, learn Spanish.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
We looked into a crystal ball this week and have one piece of advice: Don’t be selfish. If your parents ask you to babysit your little brother, do it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stop seeing people as you want to see them, and you just might make some new friends at detention this weekend.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Congrats on your move to California. If your older brother starts sleeping days and staying out all night, you might want to ask your new friends from the comic book store for help.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
After taking a week off work for some rest and relaxation, you are going to discover that your new neighbors are serial killers.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Happy Birthday!! Your sister is getting married and your parents forget your birthday, but it’s all worth it when you finally hook up with that hot older boy you like.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Despite the claim that “no one can eat 50 eggs,” you will prove everyone wrong and eat 50 eggs in one hour.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your bicycle will be stolen this week, but as you journey across America to find it you’re going to meet some amazing people and find out the true meaning of friendship.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
If you don’t pass your history report, you and your best friend may be separated forever. Do your homework. The fate of the world hangs in the balance!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After moving to Southern California with your mother, you will find yourself the target of a group of bullies. Fortunately, you will befriend an unassuming repairman who just happens to be a martial arts master.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You had plans to pick up some power converters, but you need to get these droids cleaned up before dinner. You can waste time with your friends later.