The Sky Has Died and You’re Next: How to Stay Safe During An Eclipse
Since we’ve been so busy making our travel plans for the Royal Caribbean Total Eclipse cruise—where Bonnie Taylor will sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” backed by Joe Jonas during the pivotal event of totality—we’ve asked rapper DVS to service the public in our stead.
Like most people, you’ve by now heard talk on your favorite Sirius XM Satellite Radio Gluten-Free Eggnog Recipes Channel about the impending “eclipse.” And like most people, you have begun digging a ditch in your backyard, placing your children inside, and slowly filling it with water to protect them. This is a good first step, but it’s only the first. You need as much information at your disposal as possible.
WHAT IS AN ECLIPSE?
“Eclipse” stems from the latin “Eclipse,” meaning “The portal has opened. Do not repent, it is too late for salvation.” This is partially why nobody speaks Latin anymore, it’s too sexy.
There are two main kinds of eclipses. A “Solar” eclipse is when J’AA-AAG, or “The Man Behind The Sun,” awakens from his restless slumber to boil the seas and turn animals against their masters. This is the most dangerous kind. When NASA was founded in 1958, President Eisenhower vowed “Now the truest and bravest men among us will, using technology, finally get to fuck the sun.” Eisenhower was once asked by Congress “Isn’t the sun hot?” Ike famously responded “Not during an eclipse. I’ll kill you.” That is why it says that on the ten dollar bill.
However, Eisenhower was sadly mistaken. All the astronauts who bravely threw caution to the wind by fucking the temporarily-darkened sun learned that, during an eclipse, not only is the sun still hot, but it is also poison. And magic. This is where we got all those dickless zombies you see in newsreels of the 60’s.
Conversely, a “Lunar” eclipse, honors WWE wrestling superstar Luna Vachon. Still dangerous, but also ill-as-shit and friends with Bam Bam Bigelow.
WHAT TO EXPECT DURING AN ECLIPSE
• Lemonade, previously a popular drink, will still be
• You will begin to reverse in age until you are once again a baby. At this point, your life will start once more from the beginning. HOWEVER, it is important to note that it will play out exactly the same way as it had previously. You will still eat that omelette (you know the one). Karen will still shake her head, refuse, and throw your engagement ring in the sewer. I’m not sure what you expected to happen. No one feels sorry for you.
• Sun Chips will not operate correctly
• A man with a woolen beard and a milky eye will approach you. Mumbling bible scripture, he will beg you for safe passage across the river. As payment, he will offer you the choice of either a handful of sand, or a locket with a picture of a Victorian child. Accept neither. In a firm, confident voice, ask him to “describe the Morning Star in your original language”. At this juncture he will hiss and dissolve into a mass of serpents. If you want to take the serpents across the river, you can.
HOW TO PREPARE
• Wear your lowest, most sultry V-neck shirt. At the end of the eclipse, The Sky Queen will emerge and will be selecting today’s “Champion.” If you want to be noticed, you need to stand out.
• Take all your blood out and store it in the freezer. During an eclipse, there is a heavy electromagnetic component to our atmosphere. This will cause all of your previous and current sins to glow white hot. As sins are stored in the blood, removal will protect you against roving gangs of marauders who wish to “Eat the sinners. Eat them clean.”
• As the Earth splits in half and “The Under Men” emerge from its center, they may suggest you trade places. It is INTEGRAL that you ask as many questions as you can before making your decision. I cannot decide for you whether or not living out the rest of your days in the molten core of the Earth is right for you. BE ADVISED: this decision, once made, cannot be reversed.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: Can I go to the eclipse? I did all my homework
A: I guess?
Q:Where IS eclipse?
Q: Did you see Braveheart?
A: No, I been busy
Q: Mel Gibson is in it
A: I know, it says on the poster