Wow, what a year. We’ve been through ups, downs, and even more downs. But one thing remains constant: mama needs her nut. Sorry, was that too crass? What I mean is, if I don’t still get to regularly orgasm, I will become a danger to society. Yes, I am aware of how much my new outlook resembles that of an incel on the deepest corners of 4chan, and if I’ve learned anything in the last three weeks of isolation, it’s that maybe we owe those incels an apology. (Haha, JK. Screw those guys. Not literally, though! That’s their whole thing.) What we can all take away from this experience is that social distancing is an opportunity to take a beat, reflect, and work on ourselves. When I say “work on ourselves,” I mean jack off, is that clear?
Well, because I am nothing if not generous and altruistic, I decided to get as many free vibrators and dildos shipped to my apartment as possible and try them all out. For you. Because I also never “completed high school” (one of the many meaningless things that will bear no relevance in our new society comprised of a handful of militias led by the doomsday preppers we’ve all been making fun of until now, in what I am guessing will be less than one year’s time), I decided to participate in a treasured senior year passed time: superlatives. Maybe if things get bad enough I’ll even hold a prom for these babies. Stay tuned.
So let’s get down to it. Here they are. The vibrators, dildos and personal lubricants that have been helping me get through this global pandemic, while also allowing me to process the fact that I missed out on what many people refer to as the best years of their lives. Those people are losers now, though, right? Senior year, baby! Our whole lives are ahead of us! None of us have wasted our early twenties doing standup comedy and writing sex toy roundup articles yet! There’s still hope to make our families proud! Without further ado: My gorgeous classmates.
MOST LIKELY TO BECOME PRESIDENT:
If you’re looking for the total package, look no further. But I worked really hard on this list so please do actually look further. Nova by We-Vibe has everything we look for in a leader: conviction, adaptability, and ability to reach across the aisle to get things done. This dual-stimulation toy hits all the right spots, and really takes the needs of its constituents into account. Increase and decrease stimulation on your terms, including the ability to turn off G-spot or turn off clitoral stimulation without turning off the other. All We-Vibe toys can connect via Bluetooth to the We-Connect app, which allows you, or even a partner—from any location in the world with WiFi—to take even more control. You can choose from 10 preset vibration modes or create your own custom vibe.
This kid must not get enough attention at home, because it thrives off of approval in class. “Class” is what I’m calling my vulva. Much like Nova, We-Vibe’s Wand is able to connect to the We-Connect app, perfect for playing with a long distance partner or just having more intuitive control yourself—after all, nothing is more familiar to us than our precious phone screens (and pushing actual buttons can feel like a trip to Colonial Williamsburg sometimes). We-Vibe’s Wand is a fresh take on an old classic: it goes above and beyond what was called for on the rubric, and if it weren’t so good at what it does, one might even find it to be a bit of a kiss-ass. Probably the best, but also somewhat needless, feature is the Smart Silence feature, which turns the toy on and off based on if it is making physical contact with you. It’s like, all I asked for was a bibliography, but I’m not gonna be mad at annotating your sources, you know what I mean? You were getting an A either way, but thanks for the added effort, babe!
We-Vibe truly did it again with this adorable and powerful couple’s toy. Chorus has an innovative design, and an incredibly convenient and compact charger for the toy and it’s remote. It provides dual-stimulation during intercourse with a remote that responds to being squeezed, in addition to its regular controls. Also, as always, Chorus is controllable through the We-Connect app via Bluetooth, so the logististical options are endless. Something we take for granted with our sex toys: logistics. But unfortunately at the moment it only serves as a reminder to the fact that I won’t be touched by another human for months. I choose to look at it as a glass-half-full situation, and think of this baby as one of the many things I have to look forward to in the future, among having a job again and not crying at the very thought of being hugged. Dream big! If you happen to be quarantined with your significant other, I recommend this toy but I also recommend staying the fuck out of my face!
MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED:
I am not the first one to say it and I won’t be the last: the Womanizer Premium was specifically designed to ruin sex for you forever. No human being can live up to what this appliance is capable of, nor should they even try. Comparison is the thief of joy, and we simply cannot afford to compare ourselves to this gift from the heavens. In this case, “the heavens” is China by way of Germany. Coincidentally, the same two countries we are hoping don’t beat us to a vaccine… if this product is any indication of what their top scientific minds are capable of, I got bad news! Through the use of gentle suction, this toy stimulates your clitoris without even touching it. As a person myself who thinks I know a thing or two about how to go down on a clitoris, I have to live with the fact that the Womanizer’s Autopilot feature, which surprises the user as it varies intensity and simulation in the moment, has me utterly dispensable. We all must come to terms with the fact that as far as clitoral stimulation goes, we are not essential workers. This toy has got us beat and will continue to work every day on the front lines, with or without us.
As if the Womanizer Premium wasn’t rubbing our inadequacies in our faces enough, the Womanizer Liberty takes everything that makes the Premium one of the best toys in history and puts it all in a smaller, daintier, more portable package. Missing only the Autopilot feature, Liberty takes everything you love about Premium and adds a chic, gorgeous portability? Add “ability to travel” to the list of things Womanizer’s toys can do that I can’t right now.
KISSTOY’S DORIS LOVE EGG (WITH REMOTE)
This powerful, waterproof silicone egg vibrator stimulates all the right spots at the right time, with varying levels of intensity and the choice of ten different types of vibration through the use of a convenient remote control. But perhaps the most notable thing about Doris is that someone at Kisstoy saw the remarkable resemblance of egg toys to whales and decided to just lean in. Simply gorgeous. This is a great toy for anyone who wants low-intrusive, cooperative G-spot and clitoral stimulation, but also for anyone who wants to think of their vibrator as a whale taking a swim in the great Vaginal Canal—one of the seven wonders of the world—and since we are stuck inside for the indefinite future, you better get used to only exploring this one!
Quick aside: it’s clear there is a language barrier in the description listed on their website, but tell me a more poetic way of describing masturbation. “Doris can stimulate all the pleasure space of your body and explore your sensual.” Never referring to my vulva as anything other than “my sensual” for the rest of my life, bye!!!
The Emojibator is the absolute best care package-completer. With just the right combination of thoughtfulness and absurdity, this toy is perfect to let your loved ones know you’re thinking of them and of their… wellbeing during these trying times. Just no blood-related loved ones, please. The Emojibator is powered by a single AAA battery, so don’t put too much pressure on it to “complete” your experience, but with ten vibration settings and an adorably silly schtick, it’s a great way to get the party started. Oh, parties… remember those?
Dame is an incredible, woman-owned toy company determined to close the “pleasure gap.” When purchasing from them, you can count on your toys being made of medical-grade silicone and your money going towards advocacy for reproductive rights, gender equality, and support for survivors. This company is so kick-ass, they even sued the NYC subways for advertising discrimination. Who among us doesn’t want to see the MTA get sued? Kip is a great example of Dame’s compact and inventive designs, aimed at enhancing the sexual experiences of any proud owner of a vagina—excuse me, any proud owner of a “sensual.” For the purposes of and within the restraints of quarantine, Kip doesn’t do a lot for me, but I absolutely see it being a game changer when we are allowed to touch other people again. Look out, next sexual partner! Get ready for this bad boy to get literally strapped to your finger.
MOST LIKELY TO SURPRISE EVERYONE AT THE REUNION:
Have I sang enough praises for Dame yet? Not even close. These may be the only two toys I’ve tried from them so far, but as someone who has never played Pokemon, I finally relate to wanting to catch ‘em all. One day I will be a collector of every Dame product. In part because I have an active crush on every member of the Dame team and even on the very idea of the company itself, but mostly because I have never been more blown away by such a small but mighty vibrator as I am by Kip. With five patterns, five intensities, and a magnetic charger, this waterproof dark horse will never leave you disappointed in a pinch. Never am I judging a vibrator by its likeness to what you can find at a drugstore again. I guess another selling point is the discreet design, but if you’re really still living a life where owning a vibrator is embarrassing to you, you have learned nothing from this pandemic.
LELO’S SONA CRUZ 2
You won’t make it far on the sex toy streets without hearing the Sona Cruise 2’s reputation. She’s the talk of the clitoral town. The Jones’s are trying to keep up with her. Much like other air-suction toys, this Lelo superstar gives a mind-blowing sensation without making direct contact with your clitoris. Sona’s silicone has been engineered to absorb the toy’s sonic waves and transmit them back to your clitoris, which, simply put, is unlike anything anybody else on this list has to offer. What puts the Sona Cruise 2 into a league of its own is the Cruise Control feature, which automatically increases intensity when the toy is pressed hard against the body, eliminating any fumbling for settings just when things are getting good. All I’m saying is, if you’re gonna have a cool party trick talent, it might as well be that you never interrupt the momentum of an orgasm.
MOST DEPENDABLE / MOST OUTSPOKEN:
LE WAND’S POWERFUL PLUG-IN VIBRATOR
Le Wand is a woman-founded, award-winning company you might as well get obsessed with now if you are at all interested in getting the job done. This is one of the few companies that knows the value of the tried and true classics, in equal conjunction with cutting-edge designs. The Powerful Plug-In Massager is a basic anybody with a clitoris should own. There are plenty of other companies that offer some version of this essential, but Le Wand’s is my personal favorite version of this dependable staple. With ten vibration speeds and six vibration patterns, Le Wand also offers a variety of silicone attachments for this wand if you feel like admitting to yourself that you’re worth it.
If you’ve spent your whole vibrator-owning life only knowing the touch of massagers powered by battery, I implore you: come to the light. Plug this baby into the wall and never look back. The cord comes with plugs compatible for outlets all over the globe, and even though travel-adaptability at the moment feels charmingly vintage, this may one day make all the difference in some hotel room in Australia.
MOST LIKELY TO CHEER YOU UP:
LE WAND’S PETITE CHARGEABLE VIBRATOR
Le Wand knows that there isn’t always an outlet available when you need the powerful “emotional support” of a wand. What do you do when masturbating is your only opportunity to charge your phone, now that we live lives with absolutely no other excuse to ever look away from it? And in this world, you only have one outlet? Le Wand’s Petite Chargeable Massager is the answer to that conundrum. As one of my favorite comedians Carolyn Busa once said about choosing the right vibrator (back when stand up comedy existed): “If it doesn’t look like it can mash potatoes, don’t bother.” This massager combines that incredibly relevant proverb with the sleek convenience of one of those vibrators that doesn’t look like it could even mash already mashed potatoes. Also, this wand is way easier to sing into like it’s a microphone.
LE WAND’S POINT
Point by Le Wand is a great example that looks aren’t everything. This lil dude definitely doesn’t look like it could mash potatoes, for example. Maybe very, very small potatoes, but as we all know, we aren’t dealing with small potatoes. The Point is here to remind us that mashing potatoes isn’t everything, sometimes what we want is some delightful french fries. Is this metaphor holding up? I’ll abandon it. The Point (ha) is, this toy is a great example of another toy that I can see getting a lot of mileage out of when playing with partners again, but it surprisingly holds its own during solo play, as well. With just the right amount of curve and weight, this toy is built perfectly for being placed where you want it and leaving it there to do its thing. This is a great option for “foreplay” and warming up, or pairing with some kind of penetration, but might pleasantly surprise you on what it can do on its own. We are all on our own right now, after all.
LE WAND’S GRAND BULLET
There is nothing like a good old bullet to remind us what we’re all here for. Le Wand’s Grand Bullet offers a concentrated, powerful vibration where and how you wand it. My first vibrator was a bullet and it’s always nice to take time to appreciate the simpler times. There is a lot of noise about state of the art new designs and strategies to get us off, and don’t get me wrong, I will try every last one so help me Gaia, but often all we need is a strong, focused motor to help us burn that clit right off. Colloquially, of course. Have fun with the sleeve and attachment options this bullet comes with, and get ready to feel young again! I’ll never forget when I graduated from old electric toothbrush to my first bullet, and I hope none of you do, either!
MOST DARING / MOST ATTRACTIVE:
ZALO’S DESIRE PREHEATING THRUSTER
I’m sorry but, the Zalo Desire Preheating Thruster really makes me feel like… a princess? I mean, look at it! If it weren’t for it being a toy for adults by definition, it looks like it belongs in a dollhouse. My attitude on packaging is usually completely neutral up until the point where the packaging’s beauty evokes an emotional reaction, and Zalo certainly jerked a tear. Do you see that gorgeous cylindrical box? The box is going to take up space in my closets for years to come. I will take it on multiple moves with me, waiting and trusting that one day it will come in handy for the perfect craft project. This, I promise you.
The star of this show, though, is the Thruster itself. I have to say, when I came across this, I thought it was too bold. Pre-heating AND thrusting? In this economy? Simply too good to be true! Well, dare to dream, everyone. My biggest gripe with most internal toys is that they are cold, and I am not personally fantasizing about dead people so this is usually a bit of a mood-ruiner for me. The body-heat like sensation that the preheat function accomplishes is one that should be legally required in all internal toys. And as soon as there are no more important hills to die on (healthcare, human rights, etc), that, my friends, will be my hill. The perfect curved shape and the numerous thrusting settings guarantee this will tickle just about anyone’s fancy. Or at the very least, their G-spot.
BEST CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKE:
VIXEN CREATION’S VIXSKIN BANDIT
I wonder how often the VixSkin Bandit gets stopped on the street, mistaken for the real thing. This must-have dildo doesn’t just look like it, it feels just like it, too. There’s not much to say here other than if it’s this guy’s look alike you’re missing, this might be the very best alternative you can find. With stats you can’t turn your nose up at, this 100% Platinum silicone, 7-¼” x 1-¾” dildo is raved about by everyone I know who has also tried it. As far as surviving chronic quarantine horniness, the Bandit is all but recommended by the CDC itself. (It definitely isn’t, to be clear. Wash your hands.)
All I’m gonna say is: this combo changed my life. May they live happily ever after.
And finally, a big thank you to the cheerleaders of this class: Zalo’s water-based personal lubricant, Lelo’s personal moisturizer, and Pjur’s “Nude” and “Aqua” lubricants. Without whom, we might not have had enough… pep, to achieve these feats.
All of these gals contribute something unique and special to our combined efforts, and their support is often taken for granted. Especially when morale is low and we need it most. Much like the real cheerleaders at my high school, I respect the undeniable athleticism and indispensable enthusiasm, but I can’t necessarily tell them apart. So if you’re looking for a cheerleader, know that any of these are a safe bet, but you might want to confer with someone who knows a little bit more about cheerleading.