This has been a tough year for sluts. For everyone else, too, sure—but I don’t want the specific plight of sluts to get lost in the shuffle. While businesses are losing profits and even shutting down, so too are our body count gains coming to an absolute shrieking halt. Our holes are shut down for business, so to speak.
Nobody knows this better than me. In April of 2019 I was getting fingered by an actor with a British accent on the Mulholland Drive lookout in Los Angeles. In April of 2020 I tried upwards of 15 new vibrators alone in my 3 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, with two roommates unquestionably within earshot, as there was never a time when they were not home. I guess the only thing these two experiences have in common was exhibitionism and undivided attention on the goal of my orgasm, and my orgasm alone. Essentially, what I’m saying is 2020 has had no regard for the lifestyle us sluts have grown accustomed to and the adjustment has been easy on none of us—especially with the sluttiest holiday of the year barrelling around the corner, taunting us of what once was.
Just like everything else, Halloween in 2020 is going to be different, but there is no reason to let a little pandemic stop you from celebrating the holiest (pun intended) day of the year. Here is a guide on how to celebrate this year how we sluts do everything in our lives: ethically, responsibly, and with a whole lot of hole.
ABSTINENCE IS KEY
Ew, never thought I would be advocating for this one, but pandemics throw a wrench in things, don’t they? Hey, soon enough (anywhere between 12 to 4,000 months) we will be swapping spit with strangers again, but right now we just gotta not. This is not news to any of us. We’ve been living this new and unfamiliar lifestyle (hopefully) since March. But as we grow more comfortable in this new normal, I would like to issue a gentle reminder in light of this high-hoe holiday: Just say no. No parties! No hookups! No culturally appropriative costumes! (That last one goes for every year, but a little refresher never hurts.)
Where my abstinence talk diverges from the more common one is that in lieu of the real thing, I encourage you to do it by yourself! Who said we gotta bring our sexy costume to a real life event for it to be worth it? Dress up by yourself, for yourself! Snap some hot pics, post them on OnlyFans! Have a virtual costume party with your friends! Dance alone in your room to the monster mash in your monster mesh! And remind yourself you’ll be grinding on some stranger’s boner or WAP again one day—and by staying home, you’re doing your part to make that one day maybe a day or two sooner.
DON’T GIVE YOUR SLUT MONEY TO BILLIONAIRES
We all love a quick, easy and cheap little French maid costume, especially when places like Amazon offer our slutty costume picks at competitive prices. Their low prices and fast shipping can be seductive, especially at a time when we are all so uncertain about our financial future.
Well, not all of us. Jeff Bezos’ became the first person ever to be worth over $200 billion since the pandemic started, his worth approximately “only” at $115 billion in January of this year. Yes, only. I want to vomit. But I won’t, because food is expensive and I can’t afford it. $13 billion was added to his fortune in a single day, while millions around the country are experiencing the worst financial devastation of their lives, with nearly 40 million projected to possibly lose their housing.
Among the people for whom this crisis has only brought hardship are Bezos’ own employees, nearly 20,000 of whom have been infected with COVID-19 since March. Amazon employees are presently protesting outside Bezos’ home, calling for higher pay for Amazon warehouse workers, higher taxes on wealthy Americans, and for us—the consumers—to boycott the companies made up holiday “Prime Day.” Sorry, Bezos, there is only one October holiday we care about—and your filthy rich pockets will be seeing none of our money to celebrate!
So here are some ways to get your sexy costume fix without giving a penny to the richest man in the world:
The Mean Girls Route: Get a cute lingerie set, slap a pair of animal ears on, and you’re good to go. Some affordable, cute lingerie for all bodies I recommend: Savage x Fenty, Adore Me, Thistle & Spire, Belle de Nuit, and Etsy shops like my personal favorite, Riviere Lingerie.
The nice thing about this option if you’re a bargaining slut like me, the lingerie can be used all year round without the animal ears (or with, if you’re into that kind of thing—I don’t judge), so it’s a purchase you’ll get a lot more use out of.
The Macklemore Route: Thrift your look! (Yeah, I hated that reference, too. Sorry.) Many thrift shops currently have their second-hand Halloween costumes out right now, so if low prices and fast shipping are what you’re after, not even Amazon can beat thrift store prices matched with the speed of just physically buying it yourself.
You can also create your own costume out of entirely thrifted regular clothes for very little money. I recreated my favorite Cher Horowitz outfit with entirely thrift and consignment store finds, for example. No billionaires were funded in the making of this costume. Admittedly not my “sluttiest” look, but I assure you this method is possible to do with any preferred amount of skin showing. And of course, be careful with indoor shopping: wear your mask (the COVID-19 kind, not the Halloween kind) and don’t be a dick!
The “Patron of the Arts” Route: Find your costume on Etsy! Okay, a double Etsy plug? You caught me! I can’t help it that I have amazing taste and enjoy being happy. I have never made a purchase from an artist I regret, and now more than ever is the time to support small artists. There are quite literally thousands of Etsy shops to choose from if you want to go with this slightly more expensive but well worth it option.
Here are a few I found and love with an extremely brief browsing of the Halloween costume search I did:
- Costume Crazed makes fun, sluttly upcycled zombie costumes out of old cheerleading uniforms, wedding dresses and more.
- Sugarpussclothing has a wide variety of cute costumes, including classics like “slutty nurse,” and looks inspired by Cher Horowitz, so I am definitely partial to their collection.
- Playclothesvintage has a range of beautiful, high quality vintage costumes at extremely reasonable prices, including familiar favorites like Alice in Wonderland and Marie Antoinette.
- LipglossCostume is definitely higher up there price wise, but for the quality of intricate handcrafted designs I really think their pieces are a steal. Beautiful work for some top quality slutty looks that will steal the show at your zoom party.
BE AWARE, BE RESPECTFUL
As with every year, it is important to take care with what your costume represents. Remember, cultures are not costumes! This should be second nature by now, with cultural appropriation being extremely well-explored territory in our collective discourse for the last decade. But for some reason I keep seeing my fellow white sluts fucking this up, so I would be remiss to not take this opportunity to beg you: Pack the Pocahontus costume up for good! And dear GOD, do not change your skin color for a costume unless it is literally BLUE and you are dressing up as Avatar this year. In that case, enjoy your ponytail sex and have a great time.
Another thing to be aware of is that while sluts come in all different shapes, sizes, genders, colors, identities and professions, the sluts that have made slutting it up possible for all of us are the beloved, hardworking sex workers of the world. Every time we dress up in a beautiful lingerie set or shake our gorgeous asses, it is important to remember whose hard work and imagery we are invoking. Sex appeal as we know it can almost entirely be attributed to sex workers, particularly sex workers of color, and while we may enjoy wearing a garter belt and high stockings for fun, it is the people who do it to survive and thrive we must pay tribute to.
In a world that continues to marginalize and criminalize sex workers, it is important that us sluts have each other’s backs and aren’t just vacationing in each others worlds with no awareness or respect. In fact, take a moment to donate to a sex worker mutual aid fund or promote a friend you know in the industry in some way today if you have the means. Vote with sex workers’ best interest in mind and educate yourself on ways in which you can be the best ally you can. Sluts gotta stick together.
Finally, in this strange and terrifying time, do what sluts have been doing for decades, but make it COVID: Wear protection, get tested regularly, and be conscientious of each other’s boundaries. We’re gonna get through this and we’re gonna get porked on the other side.