RIOT FEST HOROSCOPES week of 03/24/2016
Aries March 21 – April 19
You’re going to step in dog poop this weekend. It will be hilarious. For other people, not for you.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You’re going to see someone step in dog poop this weekend. It will be hilarious.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
What’s the difference between a python and a boa constrictor? You’ll find out this week in the most tragic way possible.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
I hope you like clowns. One is hiding in your closet right now!
Leo July 23 – August 22
Next week is going to be just as boring and uneventful as last week was for you. Enjoy your futile existence.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
In a freak accident involving a fur coat and fireworks, the only two flavors you’ll be able to taste from now on are orange juice and toothpaste.
Libra September 23 – October 22
A funny internet meme you see later today will be the best thing that happens to you all week.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Did you notice that your hair is starting to thin in the back? We did.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You are going to find so many eggs at the Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday. Unfortunately you will also find an egg from last year. And accidentally eat it. And become violently ill.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
For a lifetime of happiness, please send the Riot Fest Twitter guy $1.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You should have tacos for dinner tonight.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Every festival lineup will be super disappointing this year. You should spend your money on a nice sweater instead.
[yarpp]
