RIOT FEST HOROSCOPES week of 04/14/2016
Aries March 21 – April 19
After years of listening to Digital Underground, you will finally get busy in a Burger King bathroom. Afterwords you will also be banned from every Burger King forever.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
A man name Mr. Wendal will give you two dollars this week. For him it’s just a snack, but it means a big deal to you.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Shit in one hand, wish in the other, see which one gets filled first. Don’t just wish you was a little bit taller, a baller, had a girl who looked good, had a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a six four Impala, go out and make it happen!
Cancer June 21 – July 22
I know you wanna sniff some glue, because all the other kids wanna sniff some glue, but drugs are bad. Stay in school, even if it’s a Rock N Roll High School.
Leo July 23 – August 22
On Saturday you will take a walk to Zipperhead and meet a girl there. She will almost knock you dead. You’ll dress like Minnie Pearl, get some pizza and hot tea. It will be a pretty good Saturday.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
If you’re 23, no one likes you. Sorry.
Libra September 23 – October 22
You will ask your crush to go to a Green Day concert. They will say they’ve never heard of them. How cool is that? You will go to their room and read their diary.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
This week, you won’t need money, or fame, or even a credit card to ride the train. Just walk right onto the train and tell them you have the power of love.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You will take the 60 Bus out of Downtown Campbell. Ben Zanoto will be on there, waiting for you. All the punk rockers and the moon stompers will be out on the corner, sparing for change.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The corpses all hang headless and limp bodies with no surprises, and the blood drains down like devil’s rain. You’ll bathe tonight.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You are a person who thought you were a loner, but you knew it couldn’t last. You will leave your home in Tucson, Arizona for some California grass.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This weekend you will go to a party, dance all night, drink 16 beers, start a fight, roll down some stairs, and then be too drunk to fuck. Way to go dumbass.
The Related Rabbit Hole
