This was obviously an April Fool’s joke, but since some of y’all are a little slow,
here is the real Riot Fest 2017 lineup.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – 04/01/17
RIOT FEST ANNOUNCES 2017 LINEUP
WYLD STALLYNS FIRST SHOW SINCE 1991, CRUCIAL TAUNT AND REX MANNING AMONG HIGHLIGHTS OF STAR-STUDDED LINEUP
3-DAY PASSES ON SALE NOW!
Chicago’s Riot Fest has just announced the hotly-anticipated lineup for its 2017 edition, and it’s literally unbelievable. Riot Fest has solidified its reputation as music festival pioneers, thanks in part to the unique experiences they curate, such as last year’s very public hatchet burying between Jem & The Holograms and their rivals the Misfits. Therefore, the international music community has been on the edge of its seat, popcorn in hand, patiently waiting to see which of everybody’s favorite bands are reuniting, who’s playing everybody’s favorite albums in their entirety, and which hot young up-and-comers will be the next big thing.
The festival, now in its 13th year, is remaining true-to-form by pulling off one of the biggest coups in history: they’ve inspired Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan to end their bogus fued and reunite Wyld Stallyns on stage for the first time since 1991. Bill and Teds’ wives Elizabeth Preston and Joanna Logan have come out of retirement/15th century London to join the rest of the original lineup, which includes bassist Death as well as the universally-acclaimed percussion skills of Station, and will close out the festival with what will surely be a truly excellent performance for the ages.
Also of considerable note, classic rock stalwarts Stillwater will be playing its 1973 breakthrough third album Farrington Road in its entirety for the first time ever. The album (and accompanying honest and unmerciful Rolling Stone cover story) propelled the band from mid-level arena band struggling with its own limitations to headlining the first Riot Fest in 2005 at Chicago’s Congress Theatre.
In other reunion news, Britpop darlings Drive Shaft propelled to the top of the pops in the early-2000s with the driving hit “You All Everybody” before bassist Charlie Pace’s plane went down somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Having presumed his brother dead along with the rest of the world, Drive Shaft’s abrasive front man Liam Pace (who in no way was named after the singer of Oasis) has been touring with his new band Beetie Aye. Since Charlie’s surprising return home last year, Drive Shaft has been writing and recording again, and Riot Fest will be the first stop on their upcoming world tour.
The long-rumored reunion of Locash rap supergroup CB4 has not materialized, despite rumblings to the contrary. The group was rumored to play its highly-controversial and influential 1993 album Straight Outta Locash in its entirety at Riot Fest this year, but the lone holdout in the group, leader M.C. Gusto – who once, as you’ll recall, fucked ya wife ‘cause da bitch is a big ho – has once again decided to sit on the sidelines. But all is not lost, because Stab Master Arson and Dead Mike will each be performing full sets of solo material, to be followed by a long hike.
In other Riot Fest 2017 booking highlights, Marvin Berry & The Starlighters will play that new sound you’ve been looking for, Citizen Dick’s early-90s grunge rock will sound as relevant as ever, and the perpetual “Will-they-or-won’t-they?” of Marnie & Desi is sure to keep the crowd on the edge of their lawn blankets. Also, in a surprising turn, The Lone Rangers are able to play their first show since 1994 since their prison sentences for kidnapping and trespassing are up and the hair-rockers are now free men. And to speak to recent reports in the press, it is indeed true that all of the female Riot Fest employees will be contractually obligated to watch Rex Manning from the side of the stage, despite the fact that the view and sound are much shittier from that spot.
Full lineup listed below. 3-day passes are on sale as of April 1st, and you can purchase them here. You’d be a fool not to.
WYLD STALLYNS – Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
CRUCIAL TAUNT – Wayne’s World
REX MANNING (PERFORMING BACK WITH MORE IN ITS ENTIRETY) – Empire Records
THE ONEDERS – That Thing You Do!
STEEL DRAGON – Rock Star
STILLWATER (PERFORMING FARRINGTON ROAD IN ITS ENTIRETY) – Almost Famous
ZACK ATTACK – Saved By The Bell
MARVIN BERRY & THE STARLIGHTERS – Back To The Future
THE LONE RANGERS – Airheads
DINGOES ATE MY BABY – Buffy the Vampire Slayer
DEWEY COX – Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
SEX BOB-OMB – Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
THE BE SHARPS – The Simpsons
BLACKIE & THE RIFF RAFF – General Hospital (John Stamos)
DRIVE SHAFT – Lost
STRANGE FRUIT – Still Crazy
INFANT SORROW – Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him To The Greek
BARRY JIVE & THE UPTOWN FIVE – High Fidelity
SONIC DEATH MONKEY – High Fidelity
MOUSE RAT – Parks & Rec
MYSTIK SPIRAL – Daria
CRUCIFICTORIOUS – Friday Night Lights
AUTOBAHN – The Big Lebowski
THE DREAMETTES – Dreamgirls
CITIZEN DICK – Singles
LIMOZEEN – Homestar Runner
FAITH PLUS ONE – South Park
SADGASM – The Simpsons
FÜNKE’S 100% NATURAL GOOD-TIME FAMILY BAND SOLUTION – Arrested Development
ANGEL DAVENPORT – Idlewild
CAPTAIN GEECH & THE SHRIMP SHACK SHOOTERS – That Thing You Do!
THE KINKY WIZARDS – High Fidelity
MARIE DE SALLE – High Fidelity
FIGRIN D’AN & THE MODAL NODES – Star Wars
VULTURE – Full House
STATON-HOUSE BAND – Roadies
STAB MASTER ARSON – CB4
DEAD MIKE – CB4
THE STYLE BOYZ – Popstar
THE FABULOUS STAINS – The Fabulous Stains
CONSTANT MASTURBATING ROCKER – Airheads
THE JERK-OFFS – Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
FINGER BANG – South Park
BAD BLAKE – Crazy Heart
HERE COMES TREBLE – The Office
THE BEETS – Doug
WYCKYD SCEPTRE – Mr. Show
DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH – Saving Silverman
UPTOWN GIRL – Step Brothers
THE AIN’T RIGHTS – Green Room
THE PINHEADS – Back To The Future
BRIAN SLADE – Velvet Goldmine
DEACON DARK – The Love Boat
JIMMIE MOORE – The Wedding Singer
THE DUKE SILVER TRIO – Parks & Rec
GUS POLINSKI & THE KENOSHA KICKERS – Home Alone
THE SHITTY BEATLES – Wayne’s World
SPARKLE MOTION – Donnie Darko
SCRANTONICITY II – The Office
SIDEBOOB – Orange Is The New Black
ROBIN SPARKLES – How I Met Your Mother
THE GOOD OL’ BOYS – Blues Brothers
CHEMICAL TOILET – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
LICORICE COMFITS – High Fidelity
THE MOE SYZSLAK CONNECTION – The Simpsons
M.C. SAFETY & THE CAUTION CREW – The Simpsons
THE FOUR PETERS – Family Guy
THE ULTIMATE LOSERS – Slacker
JIMMY DICK & THE NIGHT STICKS – Married With Children
DIMENSION – Freaks and Geeks
THE LOVIN’ TOUCHIN’ SQUEEZINS – Scrubs
THE MOSQUITOS – Gilligan’s Island
FUTURE VILLAIN BAND – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
THE HEARDSMEN – That Thing You Do!
JESS ROBIN – The Jazz Singer
NO VACANCY – School of Rock
TWAÜGHTHAMMËR – Breaking Bad
PHLEGM – The Brady Bunch Movie
WAY, NO WAY – Friends
KIRK VAN HOUTEN (PLAYING CAN I BORROW A FEELING? IN ITS ENTIRETY) – The Simpsons
MARNIE & DESI – Girls
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