Amidst the past week’s shopping panic, there’s one item that seemingly can’t stay on any store shelves: toilet paper, the holy grail of panic purchases. Online retailers like Amazon have run clean out of bum wads, leaving many in search of a proper alternative.
Well, look no further. We know that there’s a shocking amount of people who barely wipe at all, so we want to be very clear: Riot Fest Wipes. So should you. If you can’t get a hold of any toilet paper, here’s our list of foolproof replacements that’ll get the job done.
THE OFFICIAL RIOT FEST ASS-WIPING ALTERNATIVES
1. Corn on the cob. Arguably better than actual toilet paper.
2. Plant leaves. The best kind for wiping looks like this!
3. Parking tickets. Best when folded and bundled in multiples of 3.
4. Your band’s unsold merch. It’s not going anywhere, bucko—except between those cheeks.
5. CVS receipts. Basically a free roll of toilet paper with every purchase.
6. Swimsuits. Spring break is over, but your swimsuit’s lifespan isn’t.
7. Your roommate’s towel. Pretty sure they won’t notice.
8. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. For when crap meets crap.
9. Old birthday cards. Why are you holding onto these? Age is just a number.
10. Your bare hand. For when duty calls… and nothing else is nearby.
These are the only official Riot Fest approved alternatives. If you wipe with anything else, we’re telling your mom.