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What John Stamos Learned During Quarantine

What John Stamos Learned During Quarantine

April 30, 2020 (December 6, 2022) // John Stamos

There’s been a lot of talk about acquiring new skills during this difficult time. When not doing everything for my family and my community, I set aside time to learn, to grow. Some people are learning to speak a new language, play an instrument, write a novel—all good stuff.

The fine folks at RIOT FAT asked for a list of what I’ve learned. So, here it is, ROIT PEST.


I learned I no longer want to own a large cat zoo in the south.


One night, I not only learned that homemade sushi is a bad idea, but I also learned that I didn’t stock up on enough toilet paper.


I learned that a walk-in closet could easily be converted into a vacation home as long as you don’t mind staring at leather pants from the 80s and being very quiet when your wife and son are looking for you.


I learned that when you wear a mask, brushing your teeth is optional.


I also learned that if you wear a mask without brushing your teeth, everything smells like homemade sushi.


I learned that 90% of Zoom meetings are spent talking about the fact that we’re doing a Zoom meeting.


I learned my dog doesn’t do anything all day. Nothing. I thought maybe he did something while I was gone. Nothing.


I learned how to clean a toilet, wash dishes, do laundry, and make a bed. I also learned how much I miss and value my housekeeper, so I gave her a raise (and a hazmat suit).



I learned when a smoke alarm is chirping and driving you crazy, you can just yank it off and toss it in the street, and it will stop that obnoxious chirping. (In two and a half weeks.)


I learned if you play Sloop John B backwards, it’s actually a lovely recipe for rice pilaf.


I learned which neighbors would be best to eat if things really got bad. (Hi, Drake.)


And the best thing I learned during this pandemic—I WILL NEVER GO TO RIOT FART FESTIVAL. Why? Because I just found out that all the butter used to make the butter sculpture of my handsome bust was stolen from IHOP. One little pad at a time—and that is something I just won’t stand for!  Not cool RIOT TURD. I also have a restraining order against the person who runs the Riot Fest Twitter.

Thanks for asking me what I learned, RIOT SHITHEADS. I love you butter thieves. But I will never go to your festival. Please stop asking!

Love and Kisses,

JS


The Related Rabbit Hole

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About The Author
John Stamos

Posted in FeaturesTagged John Stamos, quarantine, Stay At Home

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