There’s been a lot of talk about acquiring new skills during this difficult time. When not doing everything for my family and my community, I set aside time to learn, to grow. Some people are learning to speak a new language, play an instrument, write a novel—all good stuff.
The fine folks at RIOT FAT asked for a list of what I’ve learned. So, here it is, ROIT PEST.
I learned I no longer want to own a large cat zoo in the south.
One night, I not only learned that homemade sushi is a bad idea, but I also learned that I didn’t stock up on enough toilet paper.
I learned that a walk-in closet could easily be converted into a vacation home as long as you don’t mind staring at leather pants from the 80s and being very quiet when your wife and son are looking for you.
I learned that when you wear a mask, brushing your teeth is optional.
I also learned that if you wear a mask without brushing your teeth, everything smells like homemade sushi.
I learned that 90% of Zoom meetings are spent talking about the fact that we’re doing a Zoom meeting.
I learned my dog doesn’t do anything all day. Nothing. I thought maybe he did something while I was gone. Nothing.
I learned how to clean a toilet, wash dishes, do laundry, and make a bed. I also learned how much I miss and value my housekeeper, so I gave her a raise (and a hazmat suit).
I learned when a smoke alarm is chirping and driving you crazy, you can just yank it off and toss it in the street, and it will stop that obnoxious chirping. (In two and a half weeks.)
I learned if you play Sloop John B backwards, it’s actually a lovely recipe for rice pilaf.
I learned which neighbors would be best to eat if things really got bad. (Hi, Drake.)
And the best thing I learned during this pandemic—I WILL NEVER GO TO RIOT FART FESTIVAL. Why? Because I just found out that all the butter used to make the butter sculpture of my handsome bust was stolen from IHOP. One little pad at a time—and that is something I just won’t stand for! Not cool RIOT TURD. I also have a restraining order against the person who runs the Riot Fest Twitter.
Thanks for asking me what I learned, RIOT SHITHEADS. I love you butter thieves. But I will never go to your festival. Please stop asking!
Love and Kisses,