Valentine’s Day is once again upon us. And if you’re in a relationship, don’t you forget it, or you may be spending the next one alone. On the one hand, it’s the middle of winter–some of us haven’t even seen the sun in 40 days, and there’s virtually nothing to do. (Except maybe, go see live music)
On the other hand, stupid corporations (like Riot Fest) keep reminding you not to forget it or you’re some sort of failure. To be fair though some of you might be failures, but who are we to judge? So make sure to buy chocolate for that special someone or cry yourself to sleep if you’re still alone…
That’s why we’re kicking off a contest so you (and we) can profit off of your misery with a pair of VIP tickets to Riot Fest for the absolute worst date story, and four runners-up will receive a pair of General Admission tickets to Riot Fest 2023, which is totally happening.
THE WINNERS HAVE BEEN SELECTED
A big thank you to those of you who participated in the contest, but there can only be 1 winner and 4 runners up. The entries have been left as-is, grammar and misspellings included below. To spare the five of you who read this story the trauma, we’ve changed the names and sanitized the following stories (As best we can) for your enjoyment.
In no particular order…
Contest Runners Up
Broke My Butt
Valentine’s day 2019. I had to work 11-9, and there was a pie making contest at work. I came in early to make sure my pie was ready. I lost the contest, btw. On my way out of work, I was carrying a glass pie dish, a jug of milk, and some normal stuff. I walked out of the building with some coworkers, and completely ate it on the parking lot. Slipped, fell like Marv in Home Alone. Pie dish and milk went flying. Felt terrrrrrible after. Every bump hurt when I was driving, so my 35 minute drive home took an hour.
I called my husband, warned him that I was in a lot of pain etc. He was waiting for me with chocolates and flowers when I got home. I pushed him aside and crawled up the stairs like Golem from LOTR. Went to my room, found out that I literally peed myself when I fell and didn’t even notice it. Spent the night in the ER only to have a normal looking x ray.Four weeks later, I got another x ray showing I shattered my sacrum and the first x ray was an inch too high to show it.
I literally broke my butt on valentine’s day.
CK
There Was An Attempt… To Hypnotize
Picture it: 2004. Zuckerberg has just launched FB from his dorm room. Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction is still making waves. And 20 year old me is about to have her worst Valentine’s Day to date.
I was recently dumped, had moved back home to be there as my dad lost his battle with cancer, & most of my friends were at their respective colleges. I was bored, lonely, & didn’t want to spend yet another Saturday night at home alone. I didn’t care that it was Valentine’s. I just wanted to go out amongst people.
A high school friend invited me to his apartment to hang out for a movie night at his apartment with some of his friends in the next town over. He knew what I’d been going through & had invited me along to hang out with his friends in the past.
I drove the 45 minute trek & arrived to find out that nobody else was there. Just me & him. It felt a little awkward since I expected a group hang but I didn’t want to be rude/drive back home immediately, so I stayed.
He then proceeded to ATTEMPT TO HYPNOTIZE ME and then tried to kiss me. I got up and left immediately. The kicker? He was my distant cousin and we have the same last name. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN??
I then had a nice 45 minute drive back home to reflect on how gross the dude was. Happy Valentine’s!!
EP
Take Me Down To Weiner City
So I was dating a guy that was anti-valentine’s so we decided to go shopping and get dinner to “not celebrate.” And look I freaking love hot dogs. Like take me down Weiner city I love all kinds. I go to the kiosk and order a corn dog and notice that he’s glaring at me. Confused I go to take a bite and he grabs my arm and puts it down, I asked what’s going on and he pulls me to the side and he explains to me that he is so embarrassed and disrespected that I ordered a phallic shaped food especially on Valentine’s Day because any dude that we encounter will see me take a bite and imagine that the corn dog is their own Weiner and become aroused. He proceeds to tell me that I can’t eat any phallic shaped foods in public for this reason. Otherwise, I will be disrespecting him. Needless to say he is an ex and I am happily guzzling glizzys, pickles, bananas, etc in PEACE.
LH
In A Pickle
In 2018, I was going to go see my favorite band at the time, Best Coast (Bethany Cosentino is such a girlboss), with some guy from Tinder I had been seeing for like 2 weeks. It was a planned parenthood benefit show at Panache’s called Village of Love or something. Anyways. It was valentine’s day. The guy I was seeing at the time was majorly hyping up this whole night he had planned for us, super romantic or whatever. Dude takes me to applebees before the show. His idea of a romantic dinner was Applebees on a national holiday. Cool. Okay. That’s fine. That’s fine. The food was okay, I got dessert and a margarita so I could have been in an In-N-Out parking lot at that point and I’d have been fine. Anyways, we go straight to Panache’s. Dude SLAMS a 40 in the parking lot. Proceeds to throw up all over my legs (I’m in the passenger seat next to him). I honestly just panicked and I carry a messenger bag with me everywhere with extra stuff so I had a skirt in it so I was able to change but oh my god I am pretty sure I almost started crying. He is apologizing profusely. I just want to see Best Coast lmao like please let’s go. We get in there, we’re in the crowd. I’m eyeballing around in front of me and all of a sudden the guy i’m with is BITING MY EAR. Like love bites on my ear. Licking it and biting and I have no idea what he’s trying to accomplish but I was extremely thrown off, because he’s not physically affectionate at all and that did not seem physically affectionate it felt very lizard-like. Like a lizard is defending itself against my ear. So I pull away, give him a super sour face, and when Best Coast starts, I try to disappear into the pit but I realize he is holding me by my belt loops so he doesn’t lose me. So i’m stuck. Did I mention that he decided he wanted to wear a pickle costume to the show? Yeah. So I’m stuck with this dude, wearing a pickle suit, who was just throwing up all over me and violently sucking on my ear. Cool. After the show, we get home, we have a couple beers, I don’t know WHAT was going through my mind but I was young, we proceed to do the nasty. Yes it was nasty, because during it, he farted so disgustingly loud and wet. WHILE HE WAS INSIDE OF ME. I LITERALLY CANNOT MAKE THIS SH!T UP MY ENTIRE BODY TENSED UP TO RECOLLECT THIS GIVE ME THE DAMN VIP AS RESTITUTION.
HZ
Contest Winner
Love Is In The Air (Bubble)
My BF wanted to try pegging and being the hopeless romantic that I am, I decided V-Day was the perfect day to give him the “love rod”. I am not very versed in “back door” fun and he isn’t either. Much to our chagrin, we found out that maybe we should have been. The night started out great, a hefty pre roll and some edibles followed by a movie and dinner at my favorite Mexican joint. My bf decided he wanted to try the new special. After, we smoked some more at home and decided it was play time. Everything was going great, he knew his dream was about to come true. He loved it, I loved it. Then, the bubble gut hit him..HARD. I gave him a thrust and it was too late. I took out the dildo and GOT SPRAYED WITH SHIT!!! And in his position, I got sprayed like a predator on a skunk. Naturally I vomited. Then he vomited. Then we were both covered in vomit and me with shit as well. I cried and cried and showered for months lol We laugh about it now and he calls me Skunk 🤣🤣🤣 We also know now heehee
SN
CONTEST RULES
- As creatively as possible, tell us your best WORST Valentine’s Day date story. You can use pictures, words, links, videos, and anything else that’ll help tell the tale of your worst V-Day date
- Keep it under 1000 words. (Please, reading is hard)
- Try to keep it PG-13, ya freaks.
- Bonus points if this best worst date happened at a live show
See the full contest rules below.
OFFICIAL CONTEST RULES
Who Can Enter
1. To be eligible to participate in this contest, entrants must be U.S. residents and at least 18 years of age.
2. Employees of Riot Fest Corporation, and their affiliated companies, and advertising and promotion agencies and the immediate family members of each are ineligible. The term “immediate family” includes spouses, grandparents, parents, siblings, children and grandchildren.
How to Enter
1. Enter online at RiotFest.org
a) No purchase is necessary to enter. Only one entry allowed per user.
b) To enter, fill out the form on this page. No mechanically reproduced or completed entries will be accepted.
c) The contest starts on Thursday, February 9th at 10 AM, CST and all entries must be received by Riot Fest Corporation by Monday, February 13th at 6pm CST. Riot Fest Corporation is not responsible for lost, late, or misdirected entries, printing errors, server unavailability, computer, or any other electronic malfunction.
d) On Tuesday, February 14th, five (5) winners will be selected by Riot Fest Staff from among valid entries, with one first place winner and four runners up from the valid entries. Remaining valid entries will not carry over to the next drawing.
The Prize(s)
1. Five (5) winners will be selected. A single first place winner will receive 3-day VIP tickets to Riot Fest. Runners up will all receive a pair of general admission 3-Day passes to Riot Fest 2023.
2. Each winner will be notified by email message. Before claiming the prize, the winner must provide his/her correct name, address and telephone number to Riot Fest Corporation at the time of notification. Claims for tickets must be received within fourteen (14) days of notification, at the time each winner claims his/her prize from Riot Fest Corporation. Each winner must show picture identification to claim prizes. Riot Fest Corporation reserves the right to examine additional identification and may choose to accept or deny awarding the prize based on the identification presented.
3. If a winner cannot be notified within fourteen (14) days, or does not timely sign and return the release and affidavit of eligibility, then the prize will be forfeited, and the prize will be awarded to an alternate winner randomly selected from among remaining valid entries.
4. There will be no substitutions or cash alternatives for any prize except at the sole discretion of Riot Fest Corporation. Riot Fest Corporation has the right to substitute a prize of similar value. No transfer or assignment of prizes is allowed.
5. Each winner is responsible for paying all local, county, state and federal taxes on prizes based on the estimated retail value of the prizes as set forth in these rules.
6. Only one prize will be awarded per household.
7. Riot Fest Corporation is not liable if the provider of any part of the prize fails to satisfy its obligations to furnish its portion of the prize.
8. Riot Fest Corporation is not responsible for any liability arising directly or indirectly from the award or use of the prize.
9. In claiming your prize, you acknowledge that Riot Fest Corporation has the right to publicize your name, character, likeness, photograph, voice and the fact that you are the winner for promotional purposes without financial remuneration.
10. By entering the contest and submitting the form on this page, you grant Riot Fest Corporation permission to publish your best worst Valentine’s Date story on RiotFest.org, in email marketing communication, and on various social media channels including but not limited to Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter.
Odds of Winning/Miscellaneous
1. Odds of winning depend on the number of valid entries received.
2. Complete contest rules are available Monday through Friday during normal business hours at Riot Fest Corporation at Riot Fest Corporation. P.O. Box 220350. Chicago, IL 60622.
3. For a list of prize winners, send a separate, self-addressed, stamped envelope to Riot Fest Corporation at Riot Fest Corporation. P.O. Box 220350. Chicago, IL 60622 by March 14th , at least 30 days after end of contest].
4. This contest is subject to all applicable laws and regulations and is void where prohibited. Riot Fest Corporation accepts no responsibility or liability in connection with any injuries, losses or damages of any kind caused by or resulting from the acceptance, possession or use of any prize awarded hereunder.
5. Riot Fest Corporation cannot be held liable for any lost or stolen entries, prizes, or contest information. Riot Fest Corporation is not responsible for any computer or electronic malfunction, server unavailability, technological glitch, or human error relating to this contest and/or the use of short-code.
6. Riot Fest Corporation reserves the right to make rules and contest changes, and change the aforementioned contest dates.
7. By entering this contest, each entrant waives any and all claims of liability against Riot Fest Corporation, and their respective parents, affiliates, officers, directors, employees and agents, for any and all claims, loss, damage or injury which may occur as a result of entrant’s participation in this contest.
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