[bs_lead]This week’s luck numbers: 6,6,6[/bs_lead]
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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The planets are conspiring against you and any new relationships you might try and make this week. Yep, blame a 4 billion year old rock for your terrible personality, that’s probably it…
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Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember to reach for the stars this week, the only difference between you and the most successful person, is money, talent, connections, and know how.
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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t make any hasty decisions this week, you’ll probably just screw it up anyway.
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Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Take yourself out tonight! Show yourself off to the world and you are sure to have a good time. If you are looking for more romance in your life, you’re going to have to that all by yourself too.
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Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you are approached by a stranger this week and they ask you for a dollar make sure you do. That stranger is me, and I need that dollar to buy a beer. And beer is awesome.
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Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t be shy about protecting your secrets today, even if you have to plead the fifth with inquisitive friends and family. That Guy Fieri tattoo on your lower back is your own damn business and fuck anyone who wants to judge you for it.
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Leo (July 23 – August 22)
How about an excellent adventure? Trip abroad? Relaxing vacation? All those things can be yours, but you are broke right now. Keep dreaming I guess.
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Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You have the power to do, create, or generate whatever you want. Unfortunately all you want right now is a sandwich. It will be an amazing sandwich, but you really wasted a big opportunity.
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Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Pay attention to the “random” signs and symbols that you surround you. Specifically that dog crapping in the middle of the sidewalk. It was put there for you. It’s a metaphor.
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Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
No matter what you are debating doing right now, you aren’t going to come to any conclusions today. You’ll have plenty of time tomorrow and the rest of the week to make the wrong decision.
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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Just remember, you are a uniqie and special snowflake, just like the other 616,666,666 people that have the same horoscope as you.
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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You will find true love at Riot Fest. True love in the sense, that you’ll share a slice of pizza, make out behind a porta-potty and then lose their number 20 minutes later. Ain’t love grand?
