Kids have been known to say the nicest darned things, especially the nicer kids. In honor of the 9th day of #RiotFestmas (and today’s contest, where you’re encouraged to call out your nicest friends so they can win Christmas popcorn and Riot Fest 2018 VIP tickets), we’d like to show you how most kids are simply better than the ones that you know and/or created.
Speaking of today’s contest, we’ll announce which angelic souls get the goods at 7:00pm CST.
Dear Ryan,
God is dead, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner my quest to be dark overlord of the universe will be complete.
Amber will receive the Tiger Lady self-defense tool, and you shall receive nothing, per your instruction.
Best,
Mr. Claus
PS: Your mom already told me about the party, but thanks.
Dear Cullen,
Nosey little bastard, aren’t you? Lucky for you, flattery will get you everywhere in life.
Your sisters are getting Riot Fest tickets; my year was cold, but awesome; that prick Carter’s on the naughty list; the gifts are in the basement because your parents are idiots.
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear You,
Yes, I’m as real as non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Thank your dad for me, that’ll save me some dough and time.
A little word of advice, as Father Christmas can predict the future: Take the over on Super Bowl XXVIII; and put the rest of your assets on the sure-to-be underdog Buffalo Bills pulling off an upset. They’re about three years overdue.
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear Elisha,
I can do fucking anything. All you need to do is make up your mind: Turn you into a dragon, or bring you a pet dragon? Do you really think I have spare time to play guessing games with you?
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear Squirttle’s Caretaker,
Close, I have 1,000,000,036 elves, but hope to be at 1,000,000,888 by Christmastime 2018.
Keep an eye out for bouncy balls under the tree on Monday morning. I will not get you socks, because that’s your grandmother’s job.
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear Sara,
Word to the wise: I’m magical. I could’ve given you your grandpa back again this year, but now it’s too late. Whoopsie!
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear Gwen,
It’s very thoughtful of you to worry about the reindeer like that, however you shouldn’t. They knew what they were signing up for when they enlisted. Oh, and tell your friend that they aren’t paid to think.
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear Danielle,
Really? Stars of David? Oy vey.
Best,
Mr. Claus
Dear You,
Sorry dude, rules are rules. Get bent.
Best,
Mr. Claus
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