Luxe Up Your Tired Summer Camping Trip with This Totally Non-Essential Gear
With rising temperatures and pollen counts comes the inexplicable desire to expose our sinuses and fair, well-preserved winter skin to the unforgiving elements of fresh air and sunshine. To pitch a tent, start a fire outside, and maybe—if you’re lucky—shit in a hole in the ground. That’s right, camping season has arrived!
But for those of you who prefer a little extra icing on your cake, a few elaborate camping perks are perhaps necessary to entice you out into the untamed wild (or the well-kempt campground you’re more likely to visit). Below are ten over-the-top camping add-ons that will confound, mesmerize, and very possibly get you split.
Hammacher Schlemmer
Has the prospect of walking outdoors—or, heaven forbid, going for a fucking hike in the woods—prevented you from soaking in the awe-inspiring spectacle of this vast planet? Use your legs no longer! Traveling up to a speed of 12 miles per hour—which you can set via a smartphone app—this ridiculous hoverboard includes a built-in speaker you can control via Bluetooth.
Snow Peak
$179.95
The lawless backcountry deserves a little class—so here’s a nearly $200 titanium sake bottle for your enjoyment. Meant to be chilled in whatever crisp, refreshing river or stagnant, mosquito-infested groundwater you can find during your vision quest, the bottle shows off a sleek design that will be envied by every forest creature rummaging through your trash while you sleep at night.
See-Through Canoe
$1,700 (Arrives Assembled)
Camping at a lake presents all sorts of fun options. You can drink a can of Budweiser near the lake. You can stand in the lake. You can drink a can of Budweiser while standing in the lake. If you bring a canoe you can drink a can of Budweiser while floating on the lake. And if you happen to own the See-Through Canoe you can float on the lake and see all of the cans of Budweiser you deep-sixed into the lakebed. Pretty boss.
Vapium
$149.99 (THC Not Included)
Able to navigate extreme conditions—and operate efficiently in temps ranging between zero and 176 degrees fahrenheit—this vaporizer is also splash-proof and flat-out hard-as-hell looking. “Crafted specifically for on-the-go use,” the Summit+ vape is for hikers who prefer to drift rather than trudge through their hikes. It also touts “space-grade materials,” so maybe you can drop it into a chasm and it’ll bounce right back up to you.
Picnic Time
$55.95
If American can beer isn’t good enough for your high-and-mighty taste buds and you need to transport your local brewery’s double IPA into the wilderness, transport it in style with this totally unnecessary vessel. Pour dinner beers for your friends from a 64-ounce, insulated, matte-black, stainless steel growler, or sheath that growler in a canvas tote with shoulder strap and head out for a day hike. It’ll all feel natural and exactly as camping should be.
IcyBreeze
Starting at $308.95
Know what doesn’t travel well to a campsite? Your high-end Frigidaire air-conditioner window unit. But because the July heat and humidity of Appalachia is an omnipresent monster, there needs to be a solution. The IcyBreeze holds up to 30 pounds of ice and will keep your beer chilled while blowing forth a refreshing cool breeze—offering you the fleeting acceptance of your stupid decision to go camping in Appalachia in July.
Hydro Flask
Starting at $44.95
So you don’t much care for sake or upscale beer? Wine can also get you very drunk in the woods, and this insulated 25-ounce flask will essentially fit an entire bottle of that brand of syrah you love because of its quirky logo. It champions a “TempShield” that, you guessed it, maintains the wine’s temperature for hoursa. Its silicone cover and stainless steel makeup also means you can probably keep your drunk ass from breaking the thing.
COMICALLY HUGE MULTI-TOOL
Victorinox
$9,999
A fish scaler, a mineral crystal magnifier, and a shoe spike wrench. Those are three of the 87 tools housed in this monstrosity of a knife. To call it a knife does it a disservice, really. It’s a portable Home Depot. A total gimmick, sure, but just imagine the conversation you could start around the campfire when you whip out this bad boy. There’s currently one for sale on Amazon for $9,999 (plus $8.50 shipping). Don’t hesitate! Buy now, and you’ll be boasting to your friends, “Don’t thank me, thank the knife!”
Roll-Uh-Bowl
Starting at $59.99
To hell with the damn vape pen, you want to smoke your grass out of a bowl like it’s the 1990s. “Bendable, foldable, and dishwasher-safe,” this beauty is made of BPA-free silicone and totally unbreakable. Excellent for chucking into a backpack for use during a hike or blazing under the cover of night. What’s not made more entertaining by being glow in the dark?
Mountain Hard Wear
Starting at $4,125
If you’re heading into the deep wilderness to begin a religious death cult with a modest group of followers but aren’t sure about location, this enormous tent can act as a perfect gathering hub or communications center. It accommodates 15 people standing, has three entrances, and is designed to endure extraordinarily harsh wind and temperatures. You won’t be beholden to any one style of terrain during your quest to communicate with the moon.
