You can’t imagine how busy the Riot Fest staff gets this time of year. Or any time of year. Between debating the merits of Uncle Jesse vs. Dr. Tony Gates, trying different kinds of pizza, and delivering the fans what they want, we barely have the time to hate-binge on cantaloupe, make people cry on Twitter, nor smell the roses.
So when it came to curating our 2018 Father’s Day Last-Minute Gift Guide, we indeed waited until the last minute. That said, here’s a list of all the great items we found on the way to the office today. Most, if not all, are likely to ensure another full year of him not being completely disappointed in you.
FOR THE OFFICE
Our first stop was the local Walgreens, where we actually found most of this crap. One thing that really caught our eye was this 10-pack of Inc.-brand black ball-point pens. At $2.49, this package delivers on “Maximum Value” promised on the packaging. What, you think money grows on trees?
The fact that you think your dad is a tool doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get him a gift for Father’s Day. We can’t think of a better way to butter that jerk up than this wallet-friendly tool set for $20.99. That way, you can present him with it while saying, “I got a gift befitting a dad of your stature,” and he’ll have no idea that you’re really just calling him a tool.
FOR THE CAR
We found this perfectly worn-in carseat in an alley we were slowly driving through (don’t ask), thought “What better way to talk your dad into a new little sibling than to drop this clever little hint? I mean, you can’t beat the price of free.
What’s that? He’s got no car to put it in? We found the perfect solution at Walgreens. Since 1984, Honda (and Acura in the U.S.) has redefined mid-level luxury with the NSX, and now your father (who may be past his mid-life crisis, but it’s never too late) can get a piece of the action. This will only cost you… we don’t know. We couldn’t find the price anywhere. I guess what they say is true: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
FOR THE BATHROOM
Dads are the stinkiest poopers. The scents that line the halls of our fatherhood memories are overpowered with that stench coming from the bathroom, so it’s only natural to want to work with him on that. That’s why we are big fans of this big box fan, as well as this candle that smells like the other scents he’d emit all time: whiskey and tobacco. For just under $21 for the fan and $12.99 for the candle, you’ll come out looking like a champion to the entire family, not just stinky ol’ dad.
Honorable Mention: Father John’s Medicine. We’re not sure how well it suppresses coughs, but if it’s anything like what Father John Misty’s been taking, we think this is the best option if you have ex-hippie parents (or current hippie parents)
FOR THE DINNER PARTY
What better way to kick off a dinner party than with the Kickin’ Party Fireworks Set?
All those explosions will make everybody super hungry, and dad has paid for too many meals over the years. Thankfully, you can buy 11 pieces of Popeyes fried chicken for $14.99, enabling you to treat the family on any budget.
FOR THE WIN
All these items are fine and good, but we all know what your dad really: tickets to Riot Fest 2018. If you can’t afford it because you’ve already selfishly bought tickets for yourself (we don’t blame you), you’re in luck, because we also sell them on layaway.
If you can’t afford to buy your dad tickets to Riot Fest—or you just don’t want him to see you smoking jazz cigarettes and drinking cold beers all weekend—then head on over to our merch store at RiotBrand.org and get him some swag. He may be disappointed, but not that disappointed. And isn’t that all that really matters? Not completely disappointing your parents?