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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This is the week you find out if all your hard work and extra hours at your job finally pay off with a raise and a promotion. The answer is “NO”.
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Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The average American ingests about two pounds of bugs each year without even knowing it. Unfortunately for you, you will ingest them all in one day and you will definitely know it.
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Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find out the hard way this week that elephants never forget. You know what you did…
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Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You may not believe that you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than you do winning the lottery, but you will after this week.
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Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
There is a good chance a clown will be hiding in your closet at some point this week. Make sure to double check you’ve locked all your doors and windows.
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Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
In a tragic turn of events that will ruin things for years to come, you will accidentally watch an old episode of “Real Sex” on HBO starring your parents.
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Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Never miss an opportunity to learn a new skill. Like holding your breath for more than 3 minutes and knife fighting. Definitely learn those two skills as soon as you can.
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Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You have the power to do, create, or generate whatever you want. Unfortunately all you want right now is a sandwich. It will be an amazing sandwich, but you really wasted a big opportunity.
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Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your shitty attitude is going to get you in trouble this week. Just like every week.
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Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t worry, all you’re going to need is a shot of penicillin.
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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You should adopt a dog or a cat from an animal shelter. They’ll be your best friend, and let’s face it, you really don’t have any friends.
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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your favorite band is going to break up this week.
