Thanksgiving is all about coming together as a family to celebrate buying stuff for Christmas, watching football, and eating food. But if you are stressed about the big meal and potentially divisive dinner conversation, like a family argument about politics, or religion, or why you are such a disappointment, or why you don’t have children yet, we’ve come up with some to help you survive Thanksgiving dinner.
- If talking about politics at the dinner table is going to start too many arguments, bring up another fun topic to talk about, like religion.
- Make sure to print out fun political memes and hide them around the house.
- Watching movies is a great way to bring the family together. Make some popcorn, gather around the TV, and watch a fun family film like Michael Moore’s TrumpLand or Dinesh D’Souza’s Hillary’s America.
- If you feel like people are ganging up on you and your beliefs, you can distract them by reminding everyone of the time your sister got drunk and got an ankle tattoo.
- A great way to change the topic of discussion is to tell everyone you’re pregnant, even if you’re not.
- Drink as much as possible. Drinking makes people less emotional and less argumentative. Drunk lots of lots wine.
- You’re not an animal, so don’t throw feces if you feel threatened. It’s the holidays, throw mashed potatoes instead.
- Always remember the person who screams the loudest wins the argument. If you can’t be the loudest, at least make sure to get the last word in.
- A fun way to protest your family is by kneeling during the Thanksgiving dinner prayer.
- Every time someone passes you a dish of food at the dinner table, make sure to say “Thanks Obama” or “Just like Donald Trump, these mashed candied yams are making America great again?”
- If someone disagrees with you, just remember to take it as a personal attack against you and all that you believe in. Treat the dinner table like Facebook but in real life.
- Just remember that you are right, and they are wrong, and just because someone else may have a different view or different life experiences than you, they are idiots.
- If you can’t change someone’s beliefs, the next best thing to do is to attack them personally.
- And always remember, you’ve been away at college for 3 semesters, you are smarter and know more about the world than your family members that are 30 years older than you.
** Riot Fest is not responsible for your family disowning you because you followed any of our advice.
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