Riot Fest has brought together 12 different, but very qualified psychics for this week’s Riot Fest Horoscopes. If you can guess the 12 different psychics, you will win a very important prize. Our respect.
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AQUARIUS
January 20-February 18
Go out to the parking lot, get in your car, drive real far, and drive all night. Then you see a light and it comes right down and lands on the ground and out comes a man from Mars.
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PISES
February 19-March 20
You can’t get it right if you can’t relate. Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate. Time is a piece of wax falling on a termite, that’s chokin’ on the splinters.
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ARIES
March 21-April 19
You better listen to the voice of reason, but they don’t give you any choice ’cause they think that it’s treason. You had better do as you are told. You better listen to the radio.
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TAURUS
April 20-May 20
Do you want to be a polyester bride or do you want to hang your head and die? Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale? Do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?
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GEMINI
May 21-June 20
Smoke that bowl, hit the bong, and then take that finger off of that hole. Plug it, unplug it, don’t strain.
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CANCER
June 21-July 22
Get soused by the sea and take a dip, in the briny deep. Hang by the maritime, marine at nighttime.
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LEO
July 23-August 22
How much you give is your own choice, but it’s the difference between a Porsche and a Rolls Royce. Make it hurt when you dig into your pocket.
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VIRGO
August 23-September 22
Keep one of your eyes open at all times. Think that you’re on the brink? The shit hasn’t even begun to hit the fan. You will soon see things stranger than a gang of drunken mimes.
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LIBRA
September 23-October 22
Nobody liked you when you’re twenty three. You’re still more amused by TV shows. What the hell is A.D.D.? Your friends say you should act your age. What’s age your again, what’s your age again?
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SCORPIO
October 23-November 21
You smell like smoke and you feel like shit. It probably couldn’t hurt if you took a dip.
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SAGITTARIUS
November 22-December 21
You don’t know how to live but you got a lot of toys, your daddy’s a lazy middle-class intellectual, your mommy’s on Valium, so ineffectual. Ain’t life a mystery, yeah?
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CAPRICORN
December 22-January 19
There’s a bird inside your rib cage, he screams so you never forget. Break open your sternum and rip him from his nest.
