Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Your polka band from Wisconsin will give a desperate mother a ride back to Chicago to find her lost child. You will console her with a story about the child you left behind at a funeral parlor.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You take your family on a great vacation in the woods where you will shoot a bear in the butt and eat a 96-ounce prime aged-beef steak. Prepare for your yuppie brother-in-law to show up and try to ruin your stay.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
When a family emergency forces you to babysit your brother and sister-in-law’s kids, including their rebellious teenage daughter, you will be quickly forced to change your lazy, dirty bachelor ways and learn the true meaning of family. You will also try to kill a Bug.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Due to a blizzard in Chicago your flight will be canceled and you will be forced to find another way back home. You will befriend an uptight advertising executive and help him get back to his family by selling shower curtain rings.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your brother will fall in love with a fish and you will have to go to jail to help rescue her.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your best friend and baseball teammate will inherit $30 millions dollars but blow it all in 30 days.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is the week you will join the Army, mud wrestle a group of women, rescue your friends from the Russians, and end up on the cover or Tiger Beat magazine.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
After taking a four-week vacation from your air traffic controller job, you will be forced to beat the arrogant landlord of your rental property in a local sailing competition with the help of a pirate and your family.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While working at your security job at a local amusement park, you will be taken hostage by an insane man and his family. The SWAT team will come to the rescue, and the owner of the theme park will let them go even though they committed multiple felonies.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be tasked with apprehending two fugitive brothers and their band. Make sure to try the orange whip.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After making fun of hockey and Canadian beer, you will organize a vigilante invasion that could trigger a real war with America’s gentle neighbor to the north. Fortunately, your girlfriend will save they day.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You will interview a man on your radio show about his weird plant that is not from this world.